so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
Let the clothes fall where they may.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
Randomize
