does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
I can't belive they dont sell booze Sunday mornings. I mean some of us have to work
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
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