Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
She went from zero to smokin in five shots
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
Randomize
