i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Randomize
