I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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