he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
i was just lookin through my fb pics and i think im with a cat in like 40% of them..: how sad is my life
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
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