my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
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