Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
Randomize
