Sooo i definitely have a major burn on my chin from kenny's ...stubble from making out for hours while coked up. Pure class.
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Randomize
