All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
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