dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
Randomize
