My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
Randomize
