I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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