i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
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