Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
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