I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
Randomize
