Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
Omg I joined a choir last night...
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