I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
Randomize
