I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
Randomize
