that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
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