I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
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