i'm sure her mom would have loved to find out her daughter has herpes via facebook
I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
That girl's pussy is like White Castles, you crave it once in awhile, but you know next morning you regret eating it.
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
