I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
Randomize
