I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
We talked him into tasing himself.
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
Randomize
