why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
Randomize
