You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Randomize
