Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
Randomize
