So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
i believe in u and ur pee
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
