his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
Randomize
