Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
