Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
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