I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
yesterday pre dick pic he said "no disrespect to your situation but i cant wait to get ahold of you again in the future" is this how people network??
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
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