Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
