That was a long time ago. She needed the money.
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
why yes, bad decisions will be made starting at 3PM Thurs through 8PM on Sun. You have been warned. Plan accordingly.
Randomize
