I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
Randomize
