My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
Randomize
