he refuses to go down on me anymore when he's high because he thinks my clit piercing stares at him
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
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