somebody snuck up and got me drunk
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
Randomize
