I think my fart just growled at me.
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
at the topless march for equality..and wow.not all these boobs should be treated equally
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Randomize
