look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
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