absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Randomize
