I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
is it bad that the first thing i do when i get downstairs is go on farm town?
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
Randomize
