Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
Randomize
