oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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