She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
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