I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
