I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
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