Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
