So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
Randomize
