In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
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