So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
It was like giving head to a cactus.
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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