you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
You misunderstood me....i wasnt asking and it is not negotiable
You're making this sound more like a hostage situation than a booty call.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
Randomize
