everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Randomize
