There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
Randomize
